As a Coach with Boot Camp for New Dads (BCND.org), I guide 3-hour conversations between guys expecting their first baby and dads who return with their 4-month-olds. A typical BCND workshop brings together 12 expectant, or Pending or Rookie dads with three “Vet Dads” and their babies. In these hands-on, high-dialog, “hold my daughter” sessions, Vet Dads answer questions, tell stories, and demonstrate fatherhood.

I often hear this question in many forms: How do I manage my paternity leave well?

To respond to this question, this rather long article covers the following topics (not in this order):

Summary of topics:

• Mom will need 24/7 support for the first 2 – 3 weeks.

• 9 questions to answer when strategizing time off.

• Who else can help, and how that is still incomplete?

• What decisions will be un-made when you first meet your baby?

• I’m self-employed/I’m the boss. What do I do?

• Time off hinges on birth complications.

• What is FMLA and Colorado’s FAMLI?

• Is mom going back to work, and when?

• Have these three conversations if available.

• What your boss can’t tell you, and might not want you to know.

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Versions of the “paternity leave” question:

• How do I best use my paternity leave?

• My boss has already asked how soon I can be back.

• My boss said I wouldn’t be much help anyway right after the birth.

• I was told via text that I get two-weeks, unpaid.

• Our company has 20 employees so FMLA doesn’t apply to us.

• I’m self-employed so any time off is money not coming in.

Not the same concern as “work/life balance” question, but close

“How do I us my PTO?” is often a specific, practical aspect of a more general concerns around “work/life balance.” Those asking about one may be asking about both.

Good examples of managing paternity leave strategically:

• I took one week of my month off at the birth. I took the other 7 weeks off as my wife transitioned back to work.

• I took two full days off after the birth, then went half days for two weeks while her mother stayed with us.

• My time off can be divided up in two-hour increments. So after taking 5 full days off, I am coming in at 10 every day for the next 6 months.

• I took a new position and I’m not eligible for time off until 6 months in. I made it part of my hiring agreement that I take three months off starting the day I am eligible.

• I’m an independent tax-accountant. I told my clients in Q4 that our baby was coming in February, and that I wanted to be a great father by being a great tax accountant. They were eager to help. Meetings were shorter, in the mornings when possible, They had their documents in better order. I was able to take 2 full weeks off in late February, and work about ¾ time in March. And I got a couple referrals.

  Your superiors may give objectively terrible advice.

  Especially if they are from an older generation.

  Write it all down anyway.

  You are not asking their advice to use it. You are asking to cultivate a benefactor.

Know that mom will need help 24/7 for 2 – 3 weeks

• Helping with diapers, soothing, bringing one-handed food and water will be necessary at 2:17 am and pm.

• Mom will not get good sleep for a week or more after getting home. She will certainly be tired and very likely feel foggy and a bit overwhelmed.

• She won’t be great at remembering her own needs around food, water, rest, etc.

• Any complications (see below) will only increase her need and want for help.

• Make mom tell you to go to bed, not to get up.

• If a partner who is trying to provide good support and work even half-time, he may exhaust himself, increasing his liklihood of emotional and mental challenges.

• Keep a close eye on your emotioal state, and allow mom to check in with you often.

I never hear “I took too much time off”

• I’ve heard many, many Vet Dads say, “I should have taken more time” and “I wish I had used up all my paternity leave.”

• I’ve heard some dads say, “I should have used my paternity leave differently.”

• I have never, ever heard a dad say, “I should have taken less paternity leave.”

9 paternity-leave questions to ask yourself

Most other sections of this article are written to help you answer these questions:

1. What paternity leave options do I actually have, in what forms (PTO, FMLA, Colorado’s FAMLI)?

   1. Read below for more information on these acronyms.

   2. Schedule a meeting with your HR rep., and consider the questions suggested below.

2. How close do you live to work?

   1. This impacts how easily you can navigate half-days, meeting-only days, etc.

   2. This also impacts how soon dad can arrive if mom has an urgent need.

3. How close do you live to where you are giving birth?

   1. Births often progress over a period of many hours, but I’ve heard stories from vet dads who described “water breaking to crowning” in under an hour. I’ve also heard more than one Vet Dads describe mom being over 5 centimeters dilated when they arrived at the hospital for a routine check-up, 5 weeks before the due date.

   2. If you are more than an hour from where you plan to give birth, being home with mom in the days prior to the birth may be necessary.

   3. Who else can drive her to the hospital in the event you cannot reach her?

4. Is mom going back to work and when?

   1. Many Vet Dads describe scheduling two weeks off at the birth, and 6+ weeks off when mom is returning to work.

5. Who else is coming to help?

   1. Help needed during the day is often practical. Others can provide this.

   2. Evening and 2 am help is often intensely practical and calmly responsive on an emotional level.

   3. Put in terms some may not like: Dad is more important at night, others can more easily substitute in the day-time.

   4. Family members often benefit from clear guidance and what support to provide and how.

6. What birth-related complications do you expect, and not expect?

   1. Several possible complications are listed below, and others may arise.

   2. Most complications, including all listed, require increased support.

   3. One common example is a cesarean birth. If mom doesn’t want a cesarean birth, dad may think he doesn’t need to be prepared for one. But many cesarean births take place due to unforeseen issues during the birth.

7. Have you gotten your bosses and professional relationships on your side?

   1. Strategic conversations with your boss and your boss’s boss are nominated below.

   2. Good customers and clients will likely rally to support any guy who tells them he wants to be a great dad and meet their needs.

   3. Put differently, if someone does not want to work with you because you want to be a great dad, that’s likely someone you as a great dad don’t want to work with.

8. Do you know what your boss cannot tell you, and might not want you to know?

   1. Fatherhood is widely considered to be a smart career move, as described below.

   2. Also read how becoming a father makes you a more desirable hiring candidate to other bosses.

   3. Keep in mind, and read below, how motherhood is just as widely considered to be harmful to mom’s career.

9. Do you understand that every work-related decision you make now—paternity leave, career ambitions and promotion time-lines—will be un-made when you first touch and see and hear your baby?

   1. They may survive, even largely intact, but they will be re-examined in the hours and days after your first meet your baby.

   2. Read about how you, through changes to your hormones and brain, will probably not be the same guy you were before your baby’s birth.

Who else is available to help, and what are the limitations?

Family members and friends can provide immense support, especially in the first month after birth, but three factors must be considered.

First, sometimes family members must be managed with care and resolve. In the Boot Camp sessions I facilitate, I often hear concerns, even anxieties about moms and mothers-in-law. Examples I have heard:

• She has already booked her flight for a week before our due-dates.

• They live 5 minutes away, and they already comes over whenever she likes, and they don’t leave until we out right tell them too.

• She is a retired labor and delivery nurse, and she wants to be in the delivery room.

• My mom is already saying things to my partner like, “he was formula-fed, and he turned out just fine.”

• My wife kinda wants her mom in the delivery room, and I really, really don’t,

• My wife wants my mom and dad to not come until 3 weeks after the birth, after her mom has come and helped and gone home. My folks are going to be furious.

I address these concern in, Managing zealous family members, but mentioning this family dynamic here is important, because strategically managing support from family members is key to strategically managing paternity leave.

Second, any help needs and deserves proactive guidance

No-one likes to volunteer their time only to be told they are doing it wrong.

Tell them how long it will take, and when you need them. This might sound obvious, but have you ever been on the receiving end of a favor like, “I would love it if you mowed our lawn.” Well, um:

• How big is it?

• Is two weeks from now good?

• Are you asking me to mow it multiple times?

• My mower or yours?

• Mowing and trimming?

• You are meticulous about your lawn. Will you ding me if I am not?

These are the kinds of favors asked, sometimes via a text message reply of 4 words, by sleep-deprived people focused on a newborn. Consider these examples of good guidance:

• Thank you so much for offering to make us lasagna. Please don’t add olives or ricotta cheese. Thanks again.

• Thank you for offering to grab dinner on your way over. Chipotle is good for us. She likes_______ and I like_______. What’s the time window you’ll be dropping by? Thanks so much again.

• Thanks so much for offering to help. Could you mow our lawn some time this week? (Include in your answer all the questions listed above.)

• Howdy next door neighbor. You mentioned to ask if we needed anything. Can you just be available for text messages from 5:30 until 8 pm, when I get home? She may need one-handed food and water during that time, or she may need someone to hold the baby while she takes a 20-minute nap. Thank you so much.

  “…I drove to the day-care and parked, sat in the care for 45 minutes bawling my eyes out.

  Then I drove home and resigned.

  I am an at-home father now.”

Finally, family and friends should, of course, not be seen as “the same as dad.”

• Babies need to smell, hear, taste, touch and see dad. They are impacted by dad’s pheromones, from the beginning.

• “It can’t hurt” suggestion: have granddads help as much as possible holding and talking to and changing your baby.

• The voice, the touch, the engagement: all these will have a dad-like benefit for the baby (and a profound impact on grand-dad).

• Feel free to blame me when making this request.

Know this: Everything will change when you first touch your baby

All professional responsibilities, career ambitions and other definitions of success will present themselves for re-evaluation, abruptly, when dad first touches and/or hears and/or sees and/or smells his baby.

• Read here for an in-depth, primal-level understanding of why.

• While dads often report needing 6 weeks or more to feel an emotional bond with their baby, the sense of responsibility often descends to a deep, instinctive level even before birth.

• This instinct will receive a soul-shaking shove forward when you first touch your baby, and another when your baby first touches you, or smiles at you.

• Many Vet dads report a greater commitment to their professions, but driven by deeply changed motives. They agonize over a deeper ambivalence between being a commendable professional and a devoted, time-giving father.

• This may read like a warning to not touch your baby. Touch your baby. Very little matters more than a father’s skin-to-skin contact in the first hours, days, weeks, years and decades.

Another story

A very tall guy with wild brown hair, wearing a wrinkled, faded t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops came as a Vet Dad with his 4-month-old daughter. He didn’t bother with the chair, but instead spread out with her on the floor with blanket and toys, as many Vet Dads do. The question of choosing a day-care came up, and he some thoughts. He waited for other Vet Dads to answer, and then told his story.

“I’m a lawyer, so I’m big into doing a lot of research,” he started.

At this point, I remembered him when he came the first time, before his daughter was born. He had arrived in with a tie on, with pressed shirt and slacks, after a long day at the office. This made him easy to remember, but what he said I can recall almost word for word:

“Our baby is due in two weeks. I’m a type-A lawyer. I work 80 hours a week. My wife is a type-A lawyer too, and she works 80 hours a week. We just don’t know how this baby is going to fit into our lives.”

I recalled being concerned that he spoke so objectively, as in, he spoke as if the baby was an object.

But here he was, on the floor with a daughter he clearly adored, as he answered the question about day-cares.

“We did so much research before settling on a day-care. We interviewed many current and past clients. We checked the Better Business Bureau. We toured facilities at the busiest times, Everything we could do we did,” he said.

“And when the day came to drop her off, to be a supportive team-mate to my wife, I told her I would drop our daughter off so she didn’t have to, on my way to work. So I drove to the day-care, parked the car, sat in it for 45 minutes bawling my eyes out. Then I drove home and resigned. I am an at-home father now.”

This is not every dad’s answer to this question. But it is one answer, and it speaks to the how much your baby will change you.

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Time off hinges on complications

Many things can happen during and after the birth process that affect how much support mom needs, and what kind. For example:

• About 1 in 4 babies are born via scheduled or emergency Cesarean birth (c-section),

  • See this Mayo Clinic overview of why c-sections become necessary. See here and here and here for further guidance about c-sections.

  • “Emergency” means only that the reason for the c-section manifests during the birth process.

  • Partners need to understand and be prepared for cesarean birth, even if mom does not want one.

  • Cesarean births greatly increase mom’s need for assistance, for weeks after the birth. She’ll likely need help:

    • Getting situated to breastfeed (cesarean birth moms are often advised not to actually pick the baby up for a week or so, due to leverage stress it causes on to the core abdominal region.)

    • Getting out of bed.

    • Going up and down stairs.

• Other physical complications—tearing, blood loss, exhaustion from a 40+hour birth—leave mom in need of ongoing assistance in the days and weeks after birth.

• About 1 in 6 moms will experience some level of PMADS (Prenatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders, formerly known generally as PPD).

  • PMADs are often diagnosed in the hospital before going home, but may manifest days, weeks or months after birth.

  • Find out more about PMADs, including how they differ from Baby Blues, by attending a Boot Camp for New Dads workshop.

    • Inquire with your delivering hospital when and if they offer these workshops.

    • Register for a virtual session at BCND.org.

      • These are not the same as the in-person, hold-my-daughter sessions.

      • But they are still good, and better than none.

  • New moms are often able to function with PMADs or other emotional/psychological challenges. But they still need a high level of ongoing assistance.

• Babies sometimes require stay in the NICU.

  • This will impact a new family on many levels. This includes: How do I manage my time off around this?

  • NICU stays often involve days or weeks of spending much time at the hospital, but a with a sense that, “so many people are helping take care of this baby.”

  • Going to work during this time is an path many new dads follow, going to the hospital after and perhaps before work.

  • KNOW that, even if dad works during this time, he will be ambivalent. Co-workers and clients need to be informed that he will be distracted, and “a bit checked out.”

  • Expect to patiently respond to daily colleague requests for updates, and levels of concern that can become tiresome, even frustrating. Maybe consider ways to update that don’t interfere, e.g. a wipe-board next to the coffee machine stating, David says: no change today Date: Jan. 2

  • Key during this time is careful, ongoing conversations with mom about how dad’s presence is needed.

• Babies born at high altitude (which is often regarded as 4498 feet above sea-level), have a greater chance of post-birth complications related to reduced oxygen levels, and often go home with supplemental oxygen.

  • This is in addition to the increased likelihood of low birth weight and slower growth in early years.

  • Moms who give birth at higher altitudes also experience manageable risks, such as pre-eclampsia.

  • All of these circumstances are familiar to care-givers. Work with them to implement time-tested care plans.

• Even if the birth is sans complication and efficient, mom still needs and wants ongoing support.

  • Consider it less than optimal if she is alone for more than 2-3 hours at any time in the first two weeks.

  • It’s not just about needs or survival, it’s about the best, most-rewarding, most foundation-building genesis of a brand-new family.

What is FMLA?

As described on its U.S. Department of Labor website, The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) provides certain employees with up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year. It also requires that their group health benefits be maintained during the leave.

FMLA is designed to help employees balance their work and family responsibilities by allowing them to take reasonable unpaid leave for certain family and medical reasons. It also seeks to accommodate the legitimate interests of employers and promote equal employment opportunity for men and women. Click on the FMLA link above for all information.

What is Colorado’s paid FAMLI?

The Family and Medical Leave Insurance program is run by the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment, providing paid leave to Coloradoans who qualify. According to a January 17, 2025 press release:

Colorado is the first (and so far only) state to enact a paid family leave program through a voter approved referendum. Workers and employers began contributing premiums to the insurance fund in 2023, setting up the funds needed to financially support workers dealing with a serious health condition, caring for a sick family member, or bonding with a new addition to the family.

FAMLI benefits are calculated on a sliding scale using the individual's average weekly wage from the previous five calendar quarters in relation to the average weekly wage for the state of Colorado. Workers can get an estimate of their potential benefit payments on our online Premium and Benefits calculator.

For more information, go to famli.colorado.gov to find how-to videos, user guides, webinar recordings and FAQs to help navigate the program.

When and if mom does go back to work

According to research out of the University of Oregon in 2015, in over 59% of married couples with children, mom works too. According to the Center for American Progress, almost 41% of mothers are the sole or primary breadwinners in their families.

Nominations from someone who has heard many stories of moms returning to work:

• Help her ramp up slowly, over 1 – 2 weeks, back to full-time.

  • If possible she should start at half-time at most, for a couple weeks if possible.

  • If possible, go for only two – 3 days, before full day or two off. For example, if she’s a teacher, she goes back to work on Thursday, works two days, then has the weekend.

• Many dads talk about taking much of their paternity leave when mom goes back to work.

  • Still take a week or two after the birth.

  • This allows dad to bring the baby to work for breastfeeding, connection, etc., helping mom’s transition.

Have these conversations if available:

First, with your HR representative, as far before the birth as possible, ask one or all of the following:

• What are my options?

• How can I be creative? E.g. does taking ten half-days count as five full day-off equivalents?

• “If you were in my situation…?” (might not be appropriate to ask)

• How have you seen others manage PTO around child-birth well?

• Who could I talk to about “what it’s really like” before structuring my PTO? (moms and dads)

Second, with your boss, set up a time to both ask and tell:

• Tell your boss (in your own words)

  • I want to be an admirable dad and a commendable employee.

  • I want to be an admirable dad by being a commendable employee.

  • I see these as two sides of the same coin, rather than mutually exclusive.

Ask your boss (in your own words, if the question applies)

• What advice do you have, as a parent yourself, what to expect in my first month.

• What should I avoid doing resist doing?

Your superiors may give objectively terrible advice.

Especially if they are from an older generation, when the importance of fathers was less appreciated than it is today.

• Write it all down anyway.

• Thank them formally, via email or card.

You are not asking their advice to use it. You are asking to cultivate a benefactor.

Third, have the same conversation with your boss’s boss, for the same reasons.

Absorb their advice, thank them profusely, and in so doing culivate a benefactor in the person your boss reports to.

You want a boss, and boss’s boss, who will know and respect:

• “David’s a little checked out today, but I know why.”

• “David’s on paternity leave, and I won’t hear back from him on this email.”

What your boss can’t tell you, and likely won’t want to

Fathers are “seen as the most desirable employees” (moms, um, not so much)

For men, meanwhile, having a child is good for their careers. They are more likely to be hired than childless men, and tend to be paid more after they have children.

This statement is proceeded by bracing news for moms:

One of the worst career moves a woman can make is to have children. Mothers are less likely to be hired for jobs, to be perceived as competent at work or to be paid as much as their male colleagues with the same qualifications.

From The Motherhood Penalty vs. the Fatherhood Bonus – Claire Cain Miller, 2014, NYT)

This means two things to employers, that they can’t say and likely don’t want you to know:

• They like dads.

• They are concerned because other companies like dads too.

Given these factors, it should be no surprise that fathers tend to get paid more when they have kids, according to Pew Research, even as mothers tend to see a relative drop in pay.

Fatherhood is a professional badge of honor

• Men are deemed more upstanding when they become fathers ostensibly because their new responsibilities make them more committed (more mouths to feed = more risk averse = more loyal).

• Fatherhood makes men better, at work and at home, if (Feldman article)

• Employees with children are perceived to be more stable and reliable.

Citations / further reading:

Ruth Feldman Slate article quotes:

Fatherhood Makes Men Better—at Work and at Home (Amy Henderson, Slate, June 2018)

Men, Fathers and Work-Family Balance (Erin M. Rehel, Emily Baxter, Center for American Progress, Feb. 2015)

Motherhood Penalty vs. Fatherhood Bonus (Claire Cain Miller, New York Times, 2014)